Wednesday, April 1, 2009

It's All Been a Joke--Suckers!

God are you guys push overs! Again, you have fallen for my ruse here. This is all a joke. I don't really not buy new things--that would be impossible!!

I've been pulling your legs. I buy new stuff all of the time. I get things on sale, I get full priced things--it doesn't matter. I just love to shop and feel I deserve whatever I can get. Doesn't everyone?!

Who would espouse such a hard way of life? Who would actually suggest that Americans, Americans (!) should deny themselves anything?

Aren't we in hard economic times now?? Don't we need to spend our way out of it? If people stop spending, won't that put all sorts of people out of work? It's not the behavior of the guys at the top that have messed up this economy--no, it's people who have slowed down their buying.

Come on people. Step up. I don't really care about my neighbors and the larger community any more than you do--selfishness is really self-interestedness--there's a difference! But, if you buy for yourself, you're really helping someone else too. It's a win,

So, on this April Fool's Day, I want you to think about what junk you can go out and buy today. Maybe you're in difficult economic straits yourself. You can still buy a blouse you really don't need. Just go charge it. You can still go out and buy the scented candle on sale that you'll throw out in 6 months 'cause it doesn't burn evenly, and now looks ugly. Those things don't have to cost too much.

The point is I think you should go buy, buy, buy! Oh, and while you're at it, eat a lot of junk filled with chemicals and mercury tainted corn syrup and genetically modified corn starch. That doesn't effect health and it tastes soooo good! Also, I think you should slather on a bunch of sunscreen and not let the sun touch you at all.

Follow every piece of conventional medical advice--even though it might not make a lot of sense when seen through the perspective of evolution or history or anthropological norms around the world. Just blindly follow what the doctors say...

And speaking of experts, I think I'll enroll my kids in school today, because I'm not a trained teacher--how can I possibly educate my kids?! They're not learning enough about bullying or arbitrary institutional rules that serve only the flow of group management and have nothing to do with learning. My kids should learn at this tender age about red tape and busy work and a dulling of their curiosity. It's sink or swim kids! That's how the world works and you're not learning enough of that here in the confines of your loving home. It's off to school with the two of you.

Daughter, you can no longer grab your Harry Potter book and read it for however long you want in the morning. You can't have a playdate with Unnamed's kids in the middle of the day while I take Son to a lesson. Son, you can no longer build robots from kits your grandparents bought you for Christmas. No--go learn things on the school's timetable and in the school's way.

I've been joking around about my concern about pollution and ice caps melting too...It's fine! The world has been around for millions of years, billions of years, only 6,000 years (Hello young earthers! Nice of you to visit my blog!!). How arrogant of us to think that we are actually affecting the very climate of the earth! Besides, lots of religions feel it's all in God/Allah/Jesus's hands. Don't worry!! Let God take care of it. We are nothing and as the nothing beings we are, we really should not care about pollution or anything having to do with ecology.

If there's an eminent domain issue where a development company wants to build a mall and they need to knock down the last habitat of a mouse or a butterfly or an owl, I say "When will the mall be open and where's the nearest Forever21 store!!!"

You see what my true feelings are here. I've just been kidding. I want everyone to do whatever makes them happy because isn't that the best thing we can all do for oursleves? If everyone is happy, would there really be wars? Would there?? So, ultimately, if I worry about the soldiers still in Iraq, it doesn't help to end the war. Whereas if I shop, then I will be happy and that will help the world be more peaceful and then that will end the war. See??


The point here is to just go buy and not worry your little heads about things. "We Don't Buy It" now buys everything: stuff, mainstream ideas about health, ideas from women's magazines about how we should look as women, commercials that show us what products we should use to wash ourselves, our homes, our kids (what's a little formaldehyde in bath products?...afterall it's in vaccines...dont' you think they would've taken it out if it causes cancer or something...oh, they don't test if it does...well, any way what's a little formaldehyde??). We're not questioning anything else around here any more. Who am I to question anything?! Where do I get off?!

Have a happy day shopping today. Enjoy your various swiffer products! Just use 'em and throw them out--what could be easier??

Be happy. Shop...


Jessica said...

Oh, my gosh! I think I'm going to pee myself laughing. Ha! I love the one about public school.

Thanks for the laugh, much appreciated. :)

Laura said...

Thanks Jessica!

Happy April Fool's Day, yesterday!

Mama Notes said...


Fluffy said...

I'm going to go shop and and the war!!

Great idea!!


Fluffy said...

I meant END the war, oops! Maybe if I went on a shopping spree I would be cured of spelling mistakes :)

Laura said...

Fluffy, do you see what a stellar speller I am? It's all because of shopping, my friend. You have figured it out.

Before, when I would worry about the state of the world and wars and pestilence and injustices, my spelling was atrocious! Now, it just all lines up.

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