Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Things Only a Republican Could Believe

I know not all Republicans believe these contradictory things. I do know this. There are plenty of Republicans who simply want less government interference in the daily life of Americans and want lower taxes. Really, I do know this. I don't think of all Republicans when I read the following list... However, I know there are plenty of Republicans who do believe these contradictory things and who paint our public life in broad strokes and don't see any dissonance in their reasoning.

So with that said, here we go:

Things Only a Republican Could Believe:

  • Parents who don't want their children to pray in school are Anti-American zealots -- parents who don't want their children to listen to a speech by the President of the United States telling them to work hard and get good grades are noble patriots.

  • Peacefully demonstrating against the country starting an international war is treason -- showing up with automatic weapons to protest healthcare reform is democracy at its finest.

  • Any government official with a desk job should have every action scrutinized -- any government official with a badge and a gun should never be questioned or disrespected. At all. Ever.

  • Questioning the legitimacy of an election because the "winner" was selected by the Supreme Court is sour grapes -- questioning the legitimacy of an election because the winner (by the largest number of votes in American history) is really a Kenyan born Muslim despite all evidence to the contrary is being a vigilant American.

  • Lying about a blowjob is an impeachable offense -- lying about a war is no big deal, really.

  • Investigating a shady land deal involving the First Lady is a matter of National Identity -- investigating the use of torture at the direction of the Executive Branch is a partisan witch hunt.

  • Executing Japanese officers for waterboarding prisoners during WWII shows that we have the moral high-ground on human rights -- waterboarding prisoners of our own shows that we have the moral high-ground on human rights.

  • Sitting two rows in front of Jane Fonda in a 1970 anti-war rally is an OUTRAGE! Shaking Saddam's hand in 1983...meh, not so much.

  • Anyone who questions the president during a time of war is giving aide and comfort to the enemy and should be deported...unless the president in question has a (D) next to their name in which case you should undermine them at every turn even if you have to routinely make shit up to do it.

  • Socialism, Marxism, Communism and Fascism are all interchangeable words that mean pretty much the same thing.

  • Anyone who abuses drugs should be locked up indefinitely...unless they are a popular Republican radio host in which case they need your prayers as they recover from the illness of addiction.

  • Health Insurance companies have your best interests in mind and anyone who thinks otherwise is trying to turn America into the Godless heathen nation of Sweden where EVERYONE in the country dies (eventually).

  • Obama is an atheist communist muslim who attended a radical christian church.

  • Believing that human activity could impact the global environment is crazy talk -- believing that an invisible man in the sky personally told George Bush to invade Iraq to fulfill Biblical prophecy is logically sound.

  • The verdict is still out on evolution -- but Jesus Christ returning in our lifetimes is pretty much a given.

  • The media are unquestionably biased against Republicans -- Talk Radio, The Washington Times, The Weekly Standard, The Wall Street Journal, Rightwing Blogs, Fox News and NewsCorp are not part of the media.

  • The government should have no part in regulating multi-national corporations as they make decisions that impact the lives of millions of people -- government should regulate individuals by determining who they can marry, what kind of intercourse they can have, what they can smoke, how to manage their pregnancy and how to proceed with end of life decisions.

  • Communicating with hostile nations is a stab in the back to our great nation -- Reagan communicating with the USSR during the Cold War was Political Genius.

  • Iran is a mortal threat to our nation and anyone who attempts to talk to them is traitorous scum -- selling weapons to Iran and then funneling the money to start wars in South America is clearly in our National interest.

  • George Bush kept the nation safe after 9-11 (NOTE: the Anthrax attacks, the DC Sniper and Hurricane Katrina don't count. Also, the fact that 9-11 happened on his watch despite receiving a security briefing specifically warning of the attack doesn't count either.)

  • Social Security, Meidcare, public schooling, public libraries, fire departments, police departments and the US Military are as American as Apple Pie -- universal healthcare is ZOMGDEATHPANELSOCIALISM!!

  • George W Bush is a regular 'ole Texas rancher just like you and me despite the fact that he was born in Connecticut, attended two Ivy League schools, bought the Crawford ranch just before running for president, sold it immediately after leaving office and is terrified of horses.

  • The two guys at the center of the Watergate and Iran-Contra scandals are trustworthy voices in discussions of current national policy and should be taken at face-value.

    (I did not write this but found it on numerous sites. I didn't see who the author is or I would give him/her credit. It is good isn't it?)


KC said...

Excellent post.

Laura said...

Yeah, I think it hits on almost every issue. I read it online and wish I knew who wrote it--I saw it many places.

I'm glad to share it!

Cerwydwyn said...

I find myself so torn about posts like this. On the one hand, I totally see the reason for it: Obama is undergoing a constant barrage of nastiness from the Republican party. On the other hand, doing the same thing in return doesn't seem like the right thing to do either.
Being a Libertarian keeps me from being emotionally connected to either side and I do think that a lot of the crap, especially the folks who kept their children at home so they wouldn't have to hear the President speak is ridiculous but it's also a part of our basic American freedoms...along with the right to have an opinion, LOL.
What's the right answer? 'Stop the hate' maybe?

Neo-agrarian said...

Well put together!

Anonymous said...

Regarding Bush buying the Crawford Ranch just before his presidential campaign and selling shortly after doesn't really mean much. Did you conveniently forget that he owned a TEXAS baseball team and was Governor of that state BEFORE he ran for the presidency. Don't try to act like he wasn't a Texan!

Laura said...

Maybe he was a Texan--but, only as a transplant and not in spirit. As they say, "All Hat No Cattle."

The ranch was a nice getaway (how many months on vacation?), but is not his true lifestyle. It seems like the ranch purchase was merely a calculated political ploy before an election.

Maybe not--hardly his worst offense, is it? I can give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. Lying us into an unnecessary war? No. Domestic spying? No. Torture? No.

There's a whole lot to find reprehensible there.

I'll let him off the hook for the ranch...

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